We end up handing over the power of soothing to our partner (or any willing third party, i.e. mother, brother, friend, colleague) and create dependency. Why dependency? Because if they are unwilling, unable or potentially overwhelmed with our need for them to soothe us at all times it means nobody will soothe us and we will feel unhappy, terrified, depressed or all of these at the same time.
This is why the ability to self-soothe (taking care of ourselves, showing compassion & understanding to ourselves and taking the time to console and validate ourselves even and especially if others don't agree with us) is such an important skill to acquire for all of us.
This does not mean that there is no place for soothing from a third party of course. It feels wonderful to be cared for and looked after by someone else and as Dr. Sue Johnson makes clear in her book 'Hold Me Tight' there is a real underlying need for being held and soothed.
What it does mean though is that a well differentiated person does not require someone else to soothe them at all times, instead they can soothe themselves whenever necessary.
Take a moment and ask yourself if you depend on other people to make you feel better when something has gone wrong in your life? If yes, then next time you expect your partner to soothe you - try and soothe yourself first. Write down your worries and then read it pretending to be your very own best friend. What is going on here? What is the bigger picture? What's at the bottom of this issue? What would a person in this situation need now? Does this person need to take any action? Don't stop being your very own best friend until you start feeling better.
Getting better at self-soothing takes practices, patience and self-compassion. So if it does not work out straight away just try again next time.
To your happiness,